Authors Note 

I wrote this for a creative writing class at university with the idea of it being a cross between God of War and Oliver Twist. The idea of Boogers the giant killer is one I’ve kicked around for a few years and thought that it might have made a good fantasy comedy. The assignment was write 1000 words in any medium and I chose a short story because I had already done a screen play for the other assignment. The story obviously ends on a cliffhanger because I couldn’t write anymore but if you enjoy this I might just write the rest of the story up in blog posts. 

ALSO if anybody wants to do some illustrations I would be keen to collaborate and we might be able to put it together. This isn’t really the type of story I see getting published anywhere else and it was just sitting on my desktop so I thought I might as well put it here. 

Boogers The Lobotomist.

 

Once upon a time in a realm called Nurin there was a boy, an unexceptional boy who lived in a thatch cottage with his mother and father. They were happy for a time as most families are, living in abject mundanity. The Boy’s father would rise every morning to tend the fields and send the crop to market in a vain hope of making enough to pay the land tax. The boy’s Mother would work around the house cooking, cleaning and the like which was expected, for you see gender politics in the realm of Nurin are as much a fairy tale to its denizens as an elf or a goblin would be to you or I.

The boy, eager to help his mother and father best he could, took a job as a chimney sweep; a noble profession for a lad of his age but one that prevented him from attending school. The boy was bright, but circumstances are circumstances, and this is the hand he had been dealt. Fate played many tricks on the boy during his life yet none so devastating as the evening he returned to his little thatch cottage after a hard day sweeping chimney. There instead of his warm welcoming cottage was a colossal footprint.

The boy could see somebody at the edge of the newly formed crater. It was his father clamouring, dragging himself through the soil, his entrails spilling out from behind. Listlessly he inched towards his son who stood wide eyed and shocked. “Father are you OK?!” the boy yelled from the pit in his stomach, the man let out a raspy response “No I don’t think I am son”. The boy glanced around looking for some sort of rational explanation, but none could be found. “What happened? where’s Mother?” the boy asked desperation rising in his voice. “aye it was those giants, bunch of bastards smashed the whole house.” The boy’s father says wincing, trying to stem the pain “They threw her half way across the field, I don’t want you to go looking son, you hear me!”
The boy looks into his fathers’ eyes. “maybe I can get some help” the father crawls to his sons’ feet “No there aren’t no helping me now boy, I just want you to make me a promise and to your mother” the boys eyes fill with tears as he reaches down to hold his dying fathers’ hand. “I want you to hunt down and kill every last giant bastard in all of Nurin, you hear me boy!” the boy nods his head silently “you’re a good lad, I’ll see you in the halls of Du-mar” and with a flicker the boy became an orphan.
Now Homeless the boy was sent to Highmire the capital city of Nurin.

Highmire was a dirty, towering city with cobblestone streets and colossal smokestacks which the boy thought he might like to sweep some time, but he caught himself remembering the oath he had made to his dying father and quickly abandoned his ambitions as a chimney sweep.

Monday rolled around and the young boy’s thirst for revenge had not subsided over the weekend. He had decided that it was best that he enlisted the help of professionals, in Nurin the kings guard was responsible for handling any Giant related incidents. Knights are of course notorious for their posturing so naturally when a soot covered orphan approached the gates of The Kings Guard he is promptly laughed away.
Disillusioned with the thought that none of the Kings Guard felt any obligation to help him in his pursuit, the boy decided that the best way to get their attention was to bring them a giant himself, just to show he wasn’t fucking around. The boy had heard that sheep intestines when left out in the sun were a particularly potent bait used to lure giants. After a quick trip to the butchers the boy walked to the edge of the city with a length of sheep intestines wrapped around his neck. Like clockwork a thundering cacophony echoed across the valley, footsteps as big as boulders it was the giant. From his belt the boy pulled his chimney sweeper which had now been sharpened to a point and stood waiting for the giants advance. The giant cackled a goofy laugh as he sprinted towards his afternoon snack. From above members of the Kings Guard looked down from the city wall in terror. “What are ye doin’ ya wee idjut?!, yer going to get yourself killed.”.

The guard’s cries fell on the deaf ears as the boy remained steadfast, he knew what he was doing he just needed to get his timing right. The giant grabbed him, his ribs cracking under the monster’s fist, but his hand was free and that’s all he needed. The giant raised the boy to his mouth but with a herculean lunge the boy threw the chimney sweep cleanly into the giant’s nasal cavity. The behemoth fells back and hit the ground with an earth shattering thud. Thick green blood filled the giant’s eyeballs as it began to writhe around on the ground.

The boy looked on in shock, he didn’t even notice that the Kings Guard has surrounded him until one of them places a hand on his shoulder. “That was incredible” said the guard still in awe “what shall we call you giant slayer?” the boy looks confused “oh you mean me, I’m Gerry?” The Kings Guard all muttered disagreement, “no my boy, Gerry is not a cool Giant slayer name” the boy is hurt by this remark “but that was the name my mother and father give me”. The crowd begins to throw out suggestions a vey fat knight let out a suggestion “how bout we call him stabby cause he stabs ‘em” the Knight next to the boy interjects “we already have a stabby, he’s over there” a frail looking knight waves his arm.

Another member of the king’s guard pipes up “How about Boogers then? because he gets up their noses?” the crowed raw in agreement. “Then it’s settled! Boogers you shall be the newest member of the Kings Guard”. That night after all the feasting Boogers laid in his new bed in the Kings Guard barracks, restless, his conscious heavy with one question baring on his young mind “what if that giant had a family?” but then he remembered his oath and rolled over in a vain attempt to sleep.